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Overcoming
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Dealing with Jealousy

Jealousy in relationships

Everyone wants a loving relationship and everyone wants their relationships to last. But some people are just unable to accept any kind of threat to their relationships. They cannot bear the thought that their partner might be talking to others, might be thinking of breaking off, might be seeing someone else. This fear becomes so overwhelming that they need constant reassurance, get resentful if their partner does not contact them every day, then several times at day. They worry that their partner might secretly be contacting others so they open their mail, check their cellphone records, follow their partner around and spy on them. Or they set up traps to see if their partner will take the bait.

Jealous people live with an overwhelming anxiety that their relationship is on the verge of breaking up. Unfortunately their obsessive behaviour too often brings about the very thing they fear. So even though they realise they are causing their partner to become more distant they redouble their efforts and stress out even more until their behaviour becomes too much for everybody concerned.

This behaviour often continues after the relationship has ended. The jealous partner continues to obsess about the person and will stalk them and harass them even when there is clearly no possibility of the relationship being rekindled.

 

Jealousy Treatment

Jealousy comes about due to a fear of the pain that will follow when the relationship ends. The jealous person loves the other, but hates them as well because the other person is going to cause the pain. The jealous person has a memory of being hurt in the past when a relationship ended and desperately does not want to be hurt again. The original hurt was usually in childhood when someone - a parent, teacher, grandparent - someone they loved and needed, disappeared and left the child hurting and unable to do anything about it. The jealous person will do anything, absolutely anything, to avoid re-experiencing that pain. In their mind the pain is remembered as overwhelming, life threatening, a gigantic fear that any amount of effort is justified in order to avoid.

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The constant vigilance, checking, obsessing is designed to monitor the relationship, to not miss the tiniest signal that something might be wrong. As soon as the tiniest signal is seen, then every effort is thrown into action to pull back the situation.

PROCEDURE

Jealousy generally needs only one session to be corrected. To eliminate jealousy effectively it is necessary to eliminate the fear.

The process of eliminating an irrational fear is to modify the way the mind represents that fear. By changing the way the mind represents the fear, the fear itself will be changed.

Dragon Slaying

Dragon Slaying is a metaphor therapy that invites the client to project their representation of their fears onto a culturally acceptable metaphor, an imaginary dragon, and then to systematically modify the dragon. By so doing the client modifies their fear directly. The session does not use hypnosis. The client is awake and alert throughout the whole process.

 

The client is asked to re-access the feeling of dread, anxiety, panic or whatever it is they get when they think about their relationship ending. They are then asked "If that feeling was a dragon, what colour would it be?". This externalises the feeling and maps it onto a metaphorical space, where various aspects of the image can represent various aspects of the feeling. The metaphor, the beast, is a direct representation of the feeling. Any change to the representation causes an equal change to the feeling. The therapist then continues elaborating the perception of the thing in terms of size, behaviour, composition and so on. The therapist gets as complete a description as the client is able to give.

 

The therapist then goes about reversing the description. The therapist will ask the client "What is the opposite of ....?" for each attribute of the imaginary animal. This has the effect of building a replacement image, in which every negative aspect is replaced by a positive aspect. What was angry, nasty and threatening becomes cuddly, happy and friendly.

 

The client has replaced their perception of their jealousy with a different perception. Because of the way the mind works, the client will now experience the same situation differently. When asked to imagine the situation again, to re-access the feelings that would be generated when thinking about the relationship ending, the old mental structure has gone, replaced by the new one. The old feelings will be replaced by the new positive feelings. If the old structure has not totally gone, then we do the exercise again until it has totally gone and there are no more negative feelings associated with ending a relationship.

 

Follow up

There is generally no need for a follow up. Once the pattern of behaviour has been altered, it has been altered forever.

 

 

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Talking to someone is usually the best way to find out if hypnosis is right for you. And it might be a whole new start to things.

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