Sexual Anxiety, libido and orgasm
Men are under pressure to be unfailingly virile. However men have just as many emotional issues as women. Sexual anxiety, premature ejaculation, impotence and loss of libido can have a serious effect on sexual relationships. If a woman is not sexually aroused she can hide it and no one need know. However, for male sexual anxiety there is no hiding the fact. Erectile dysfunction is common and curable.
Failure in intimate situations is more common than people think. If the woman is understanding and supportive then probably the next time everything will go as normal and the incident will be forgotten about - just one of those things. However, very often the man takes to brooding and worrying about it. This brings on the very failure that he is trying to avoid. Despite being fairly common in men of all ages, too many men try to live with it in secret and do not seek help.
Once physical causes have been eliminated, hypnosis is the most effective way to increase libido. Male sexual performance anxiety, impotence, premature ejaculation generally needs two sessions to be corrected.
RATIONALE
The main sex organ is actually the brain. It controls hormones and it controls thoughts and beliefs about sex. If the thoughts are not right, then nothing else is right. The usual reason for sexual dysfunction is that the young man's brain is constantly thinking about failure. He goes over and over what happened, what might happen next time, what might happen if he never performs again, what his mates will say if they find out, what girls will tell each other about him. Failure is what is in his mind all the time. So that is what his mind delivers. You get what you think about. Men in this situation need to learn to control their thoughts. Doing that will prevent it happening again. It's like taking a mental aphrodisiac.
PROCEDURE
The first session is used to explain to the client that he is effectively hypnotising himself. Most clients feel immediately better about it as soon as they realise that it is fairly common and that it can be easily reversed.
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The objective of the first session is to teach the man how to use his mind for support, instead of allowing his thoughts to sabotage himself. I show the client how to use visualisations to create positive conditions in his mind, so that not only will it not happen again, he won't even think of the possibility.
Hypnotherapy
The second session is used to guide the client through a typical sexual performance in hypnosis. The client is led through an idealised version of the normal dating process and at every stage the client's imagination is filled with images and feelings of what it is like to be outstandingly good. The client relives the event, exactly as it would be if he was not just good, but amazingly good. He experiences what it is like to be the world's greatest lover. The hypnosis creates an overwhelming certainty, an enthusiasm, that wipes out the old feelings, so that the next time he is in that situation or a similar situation he mind will fill with positive feelings of strength and vigour.
The hypnotherapy is also used to address the whatever issue it was that caused the original failure. It might be a self esteem issue, or general self confidence or concern about commitment to a long term relationship. These issues are dealt with direct suggestion.
That way the client will be able to have whatever sort of relationship he wants, and the positive visualisation exercises will ensure that the old worries never come back.
There is generally no need for a follow up. Most young men are extremely resilient. Once the pattern of behaviour has been fixed, it is fixed forever.
Sexual Anxiety case
My client came to see me because of sexual dysfunction. He is a fit young man living with a woman he loves. She is keen on sex and so is he, but he keeps losing his erection during the process. She is understandably annoyed and is threatening to end the relationship.
My client told of a disastrous first attempt at sex that left both of them unhappy. He had been at a Christian camp and the object of his desire was also inexperienced. When the two of them met at night in an empty room it was in secrecy and under constant danger of being discovered. He said the whole thing was an embarrassment, nobody got anything out of it. He blamed it on inexperience and the threat of exposure. It was a classic case of a first attempt at sex that goes wrong, and plants the seed of worry that expands and ruins the rest of his life.
Before he came to me he had been to see a different hypnotherapist three times. That therapist asked the usual questions and tried regression, but it did not have the right effect. He is now in a relationship with a woman who he thinks could be 'the one' so he is putting extra pressure on himself and his girlfriend is putting on even more pressure. I couldn't see what I could do that would be different from the regression and general NLP advice that he already got.
And then I got to thinking about that first encounter. A young man, a teenager, should have no problem getting it up. That's what young men are designed for. So I asked a bit more deeply about what went on that night, and particularly about what went on just before his assignation. He revealed that he was worried about what might happen before he even got there, and that everything turned out wrong just as he feared it would.
So I started thinking about why a young lover would be fearful even before the attempt. There must have been some reason why it even crossed his mind that it could go wrong. I tested for anxiety/depression. He has a bit of Introversion and a bit of anxiety thinking, but not full depression. His father had depression. He told of a childhood where his parents divorced when he was ten and he heard them arguing all the time. I concluded that he has hyper vigilance.I think that he had childhood anxiety and that it was the existing anxiety that made the first sex go wrong, not the bad sex that caused the sexual anxiety. He has underlying anxiety that is making him catastrophise over his past sexual failure. And because he sees this particular woman as his chance at a life partner, he is putting intense pressure on himself because this one must work, or he will miss out for life. This is causing more catastrophizing thoughts, more anxiety, and she is putting more pressure on him to perform, which causes more anxiety and so on.
The interesting thing about this case is that it is not the first sexual encounter that was the Initial Sensitizing Event (ISE) and therefore regression is the wrong treatment. There was no ISE. What was there was chronic anxiety from childhood, that happens to be expressing itself as sexual performance problems.